Some of you may have noticed that my posts became a bit sporadic lately. Today, I’m getting a little personal with all of you to explain why, and to offer a glimpse into my Real Life these past few weeks.
In my re-introduction post earlier this year, I revealed my struggle with my depression and anxiety, a struggle that has been with me since high school (which, if we’re all doing the math here, was more than a decade ago). Now, I’ll admit, I’ve never been officially diagnosed by a doctor. However, I am familiar with the signs and symptoms from my years of majoring in Psychology in college, and I had regular sessions with a campus counselor when things got really bad for me during my college years.
Fast forward to my mid-twenties and I’ve now spent a big chunk of my life hiding a part of myself from family and friends, learning how to manage my mental health on my own, and relying heavily on my writing. What I couldn’t say out loud, I screamed in my poetry. For a while, this worked—that’s how I wrote my first poetry collection Glow Stick—but it’s getting harder and harder to do this on my own.
Before, I was able to write out everything I was feeling, to spill out the negative thoughts and carve words out of the shadows. Now, it takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed in the morning. Now, every morning that I open my eyes, my first thought is not “thank God I’m alive“, but it’s “Oh God, I have to do this again“. That’s how these past few weeks elapsed for me, that’s why I haven’t updated my blog or my social media with any new writing, and that’s why I’ve finally made the decision to seek professional help. After all, I can’t be a writer if I can’t write.
Just a couple shoutouts: first, to my best friends who regularly checked in on me (neither of you have blogs but I know you’re both silent followers who read my posts so thank you F and S), and second, to Rosemarie of A Reading Writer, who also checked in on me earlier this week when she noticed my absence on Instagram (it truly was a nice surprise that meant a lot to me so thank you Rosema).
Lastly, thank you to every single person who is reading this and has followed, read, and commented on this blog over the years. This blog has long been my safe space, largely in part to the wonderful blogging friends I’ve made over the years, the encouraging support I’ve received from you all, and the reminder that life is worth living. I hope you’re all doing well.