From Halloween and New York Comic Con preparations to studying for midterms and digging out scarves, October means a lot of things to a lot of people. For me, October is the month of new beginnings—it is to me what January is to most people.
My year starts in October because this is my birthday month. This was the month I was born, the month I started life, and so every year, this is the month I reflect on how I have lived, make my resolutions for a happier, healthier life, and then start again.
This year, my main resolution is to make my health—mental, emotional, and physical—my top priority. I struggled a lot this year with juggling the expectations I had for myself and the expectations others had for me, I struggled with my feelings of helplessness at the state of the world as well as the state of my own life, and I struggled with the fear at the decisions those in power were making—and the consequences of those decisions trickling down to me.
Most of all, I struggled with being happy, because I struggled with my writing. I can break down this year into a series of hiatuses separated by brief periods where I managed to write regularly only to succumb again to the hiatus. Writing was always as natural to me as breathing, so for me not to be able to write anymore—some days, I felt like I was drowning, and other days, I felt like I was suffocating. Simply put, I couldn’t breathe anymore.
Reflecting on this past year, I can say I am most proud of starting therapy, but it’s not as easy as putting a bandaid on my brain. Although my therapist had managed to spur my writing at first, I have, once again, succumbed to the hiatus. It’s not that my passions or dreams have changed—I think about writing all the time, I’m constantly coming up with ideas or jotting down random lines of poetry, but my brain is dark and messy and unfocused. Sometimes, it doesn’t even feel like my brain at all. It’s a constant struggle sorting through the thoughts, trying to figure out which ones are mine.
Still, October marks the start of everything I love: warm scarves, hot tea, leather jackets, golden leaves, longer nights, all my favorite holidays, comic con, the list goes on. October is comforting and magical, all at once. October gives me hope, because it’s a little easier to remember who I am when I’m surrounded by so many things that bring me joy and light.
On that note, I will leave you all with my two favorite October quotes:
I wish this October brings you all as much comfort and peace as it brings me.